Reviews

A beautifully told story with colorful characters out of epic tradition, a tight and complex plot, and solid pacing. -- Booklist, starred review of On the Razor's Edge

Great writing, vivid scenarios, and thoughtful commentary ... the stories will linger after the last page is turned. -- Publisher's Weekly, on Captive Dreams

Monday, September 17, 2012

Movies You Would Pay to See

or not.

  • The Sirens of the Ram.  The exciting story of a firehouse that adopts a mountain goat as its mascot.
  • The Three Amigos.  A theological film.  
  • Titanic.  A man accidentally overdoses on Viagra and watches in horror as his vessel splits in two and sinks forever.  
  • A Thousand Crowns.  The epic story of John Henry the dentist.
  • Zulu!  British astronomers manage to designate the prime meridian.
  • The Tin Commandments.  Metallurgical training film.
  • Hairy Porter and the Goblet of Fire.  Sasquatch finds work carrying luggage and discovers contraband liquor in one of the suitcases. 
  • Four Bidden Planets.  A quartet of worlds is invited to join the Galactic Federation in this sci-fi thriller.
  • Forbidden Plants.  A sequel to Reefer Madness
  • Sy Lent on the Lamp.  Banker Silas Morning takes an old lamp as collateral and gets a surprise when he rubs it. 
  • The Bjorn Identity.  Biopic of the famous Swedish tennis player.  
  • Citizen Cain.  In this sequel to Adam and Eve and Ted and Alice, their son goes out into the world to found cities.  
  • The Malt-Ease Fountain.  Jerry Lewis as the Soda Jerk who invents a beer-flavored soda.  Everyone has a good time.  
  • Casino Royal Dutch Shell.  Motorists place bets on what a gallon will cost in the next hour.
  • The Hunt for Lead October.  A Soviet submarine sinks. 
  • The Russians are Coming!  The Russians are Coming! Pornographic film set in St. Petersburg
  • Any Haul.  Woody Allen stars as an inept burglar who will steal whatever he can get.
  • Abattoir.  Peaceful Earthlings visit a planet with simple primitives, who welcome them, feast them, then slaughter them in their sleep for no particular reason.  
  • A Beautiful Mine. The anthracite fields of NE Penna. are a featured backdrop in this paean to coal miners' daughters.  
  • Bunny and Clyde.  Young Clyde Jenkins raises rabbit on the farm to sell as pets but is soon arrested by the federal rabbit inspector SWAT team.  The audience is horrified to learn that there actually is such a thing as a federal rabbit inspector SWAT team.
  • Casablanca.  A bank-robber learns too late that he has bought an entire case of non-lethal bullets.
  • Goal-Minder's Daughter.  A young girl wants to follow in her father's footsteps and play for the NHL
Update: And from karrde comes this overlooked gem:
  • Saw-Shank Redemption.  Inspiring tale of a butcher and his family who struggle to keep the meat-saw running during the Great Depression.   
Upperdate:
Martin has gone mad:
  • Fence and Fenceability: The Pawn Stars work undercover with the Las Vegas police
  • Batman Begins the Beguine: When Bruce Wayne's parents die tragically he travels to Europe to study dance only to cut the trip short when he realizes he will miss the annual Gotham city swing dance contest.
  • Ferris Bueller's Day of the Triffids:  Ferris decides to skip school and sleep in only to find he is the last sighted man in a world of flesh eating plants. Hilarity ensues
Stephen Barringer contributes
  • Total Recall: A safety scandal brings down a Big American auto manufacturer when every single model has to be returned. 
  • Anchorite: The Legend of Gone Burgundy: A historical mediaeval epic about a comically pompous hermit freed from his cell after twenty years, only to find the civilized chivalrous kingdom he grew up in has been overrun by barbaric Franks. 
Uppest date
Stevo Darkly goes naughty:
  • Half Moon Street: Documentary of the Folsom Street Festival in San Francisco, with a focus on the chaps, spanking skirts and other leather fashions that partly expose the buttocks. 
Uppity date
Joe goes for the low-hanging fruit:
  • Star Wars: Mockumentary about two actors who vie against each other to land a role in an off-Broadway production.
  • Star Dreck: Sequel to the critically-acclaimed Star Wars, where the winning actor must come to grips with the fact that the play stinks, and do what he can to save it--and his career.
  • Lord of the Blings: Finale to the Star Wars trilogy. After having been rejected for the off-Broadway musical, the losing actor starts a career as a rap star, complete with stereotypical accoutrements. Plays off the joke of a thespian submerged in the gangster rap culture.
Uppermost date
Stevo Darkly commented darkly:


  • Tsar Wars: Russian rebels overthrow an evil empire, which is replaced by an even more evil empire.
  • The Other Bowlin' Girl: Two sisters contend for the affection of Henry, the Eighth Best Bowler in the State.
  • The Lizard of Oz: A goanna accidentally crawls aboard a Qantas jet and, somewhere over the Rainbow Springs of Mataranka, discovers it's not in Australia anymore and there's no place like home.
  • Finding Memo: An office worker desperately searches for the recently distributed update to the procedures for preparing TPS reports.
  • Schindler's List In Poland during World War II, Oskar Schindler gradually develops a tendency to lean to one side.

More welcome. 

11 comments:

  1. Saw-Shank Redemption, a tale of a butcher and his family who struggle to keep the meat-saw running during the Great Depression...

    ReplyDelete
  2. Fence and Fenceability: The Pawn Stars work undercover with the Las Vegas police

    ReplyDelete
  3. Batman Begins the Beguine: When Bruce Wayne's parents die tragically he travels to Europe to study dance only to cut the trip short when he realizes he will miss the annual Gotham city swing dance contest.

    Ferris Bueller's Day of the Triffids.

    Ferris decides to skip school and sleep in only to find he is the last sighted man in a world of flesh eating plants. Hilarity ensues

    ReplyDelete
  4. Total Recall: A safety scandal brings down a Big American auto manufacturer when every single model has to be returned.

    ReplyDelete
  5. Anchorite: The Legend of Gone Burgundy - A historical mediaeval epic about a comically pompous hermit freed from his cell after twenty years, only to find the civilized chivalrous kingdom he grew up in has been overrun by barbaric Franks.

    ReplyDelete
    Replies
    1. A slow morning: I confess to not grasping the movie to which this refers. I will probably headdesk to learn it.

      Delete
    2. "Anchorman: The Legend of Ron Burgundy", starring Will Ferrell.

      For what it's worth, not recognizing it probably indicates you've been spending your leisure media consumption on smarter properties -- but it *is* a very funny movie.

      Delete
  6. Half Moon Street: Documentary of the Folsom Street Festival in San Francisco, with a focus on the chaps, spanking skirts and other leather fashions that partly expose the buttocks.

    ReplyDelete
  7. Oh, come one. Am I the only one who's going to go for the low-hanging fruit?

    Star Wars: Mockumentary about two actors who vie against each other to land a role in an off-Broadway production.

    Star Dreck: Sequel to the critically-acclaimed Star Wars, where the winning actor must come to grips with the fact that the play stinks, and do what he can to save it--and his career.

    Lord of the Blings: Finale to the Star Wars trilogy. After having been rejected for the off-Broadway musical, the losing actor starts a career as a rap star, complete with stereotypical accoutrements. Plays off the joke of a thespian submerged in the gangster rap culture.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Tsar Wars: Russian rebels overthrow an evil empire, which is replaced by an even more evil empire.

    The Other Bowlin' Girl: Two sisters contend for the affection of Henry, the Eighth Best Bowler in the State.

    The Lizard of Oz: A goanna accidentally crawls aboard a Qantas jet and, somewhere over the Rainbow Springs of Mataranka, discovers it's not in Australia anymore and there's no place like home.

    Finding Memo: An office worker desperately searches for the recently distributed update to the procedures for preparing TPS reports.

    Schindler's List In Poland during World War II, Oskar Schindler gradually develops a tendency to lean to one side.

    ReplyDelete
  9. Can I play? I may not have grocked all the rules, but I will humbly submit the following:

    The Smoking Nun: A noir classic about the nature of vice, religious vows and personal freedom. Incidentally, a murder is solved.

    Top Fun: A heart pounding action packed thriller about the highs and dangers of competitive clowning. With highwire tension, blooming romance, and too much makeup.

    Know-Uhh: "Rock star" genius professor wakes up one morning to discover he can't remember anything. Must fake it to get by. This works remarkably well. Hilarity ensues when a flood in the server room removes certain records, which he must stop at nothing recreate. That is, if he wants to continue to enjoy his secure, fun and comfortable life.

    Partnership PWN: frenemy elite pentesters must work together for a company they hate-- against insidious government interference. No wait. They made that movie. The rest of us are living it.

    Insurgents-- A woman wakes up to discover evidence she might be a terrorist, but cannot remember ever having a desire to be. The line between her real self and what she dreams becomes blurred as she investigates her own whereabouts. This time the terrorists aren't innocent victims.

    Life is Mewtiful-- a man rendered depressed and homeless by divorce lives in his car with his only possession-- his laptop. He spends his days at a free WIFI coffeeshop, and learns to love again through the wonders of I Can Haz Cheezburger.

    Breaking Fad A high fueled rivalry between two fashion designers who vie to destroy each other with escalating advertising and product campaigns. They had been best friends in high school-- where did it go wrong?

    The Boat Book-- Taut military thriller of the SecNAV's secret book of elite ships working in special teams around the world. Staff is baffled when the volume in contention is about a sleepy vessel in the Baltic first commissioned in WW II. Cold war operatives must be shaken out of retirement and put back in the field to find out why it is wanted before nefarious plans are put into effect by a hostile foreign power thought to be reformed.

    ReplyDelete