Stand-Up Mathematics

• I went to the restaurant and ordered a prime rib.  But then I discovered I could not divide it.   
• When Heisenberg visited the Institute for Advanced Studies, a state trooper stopped him on the Jersey Turnpike.  He came up to the car and said, "Sir, do you know how fast you were going?"  Heisenberg answered, "No, but I can tell you exactly where I am." 
• They try to tell you πr² but pie are not square.  Pie are round.  Cornbread are square. 
• If you go on vacation, ask Erwin Schrödinger to house-sit, because he can watch your cat,. 
• The integral ∫1/(cabin) d(cabin) equals ln(cabin)
• The formula for the standard deviation is complex enough that many people have a deep and unreasoning fear of it.  This phobia was intensively studied by the great Viennese psychiatrist Sigma Freud. 
• The mode is the most frequent number in a sample.  So in the sample 2, 2, 3, 3, 3, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, π, 4, 4, 5, we have π a la mode. 
• Say...  How exactly can a deviate be standard? 
• We should build a gambling oasis in the desert near Las Vegas and call it Möbius just so on the Strip we can truly say that what happens in Möbius stays in Möbius. 
• I met a girl once who was in a complex relationship.  She gave be her imaginary number. 

A smutty mathematical story:

Once upon a time pretty little Polly Nomial was strolling across a field of vectors when she came to the edge of a singularly large matrix.
Now Polly was convergent and her mother had made it an absolute condition that she must never enter such an array without her brackets on. Poll however, who had changed her variables that morning and was feeling particularly badly behaved, ignored these conditions on the ground that they were unnecessary, and made her way amongst the complex elements.
Rows and columns enveloped her on both sides. Tangents approached her surface; she became tensor and tensor.
Sordid details here